MARK TWAIN ”THE PUDD'NHEAD MAXIMS”
THESE WISDOMS ARE FOR THE LURING OF
YOUTH TOWARD HIGH MORAL ALTITUDES.
THE AUTHOR DID NOT GATHER THEM FROM
PRACTICE, BUT FROM OBSERVATION.
TO BE GOOD IS NOBLE; BUT TO SHOW
OTHERS HOW TO BE GOOD IS NOBLER,
AND NO TROUBLE.
A man may
have no bad habits and have worse.
When in
doubt, tell the truth.
It is more
trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.
A dozen
direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.
Noise proves
nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an
asteroid.
He was as
shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.
Truth is the
most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
It could
probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native
American criminal class except Congress.
It is your
human environment that makes climate.
Everything
human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow.
There is no humor in heaven.
We should be
careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop
there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will
never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will
never sit down on a cold one anymore.
There are
those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was
the schoolboy who said, "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."
The timid
man yearns for full value and demands a tenth. The bold man strikes for double
value and compromises on par.
We can
secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is
worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.
Truth is
stranger than fiction -- to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it.
Truth is
stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to
possibilities; Truth isn't.
There is a
Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral
Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral
Sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.
The English
are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the
earth.
It is easier
to stay out than get out.
Pity is for
the living, envy is for the dead.
It is by the
goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious
things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to
practice either of them.
Man will do
many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Nothing is
so ignorant as man's left hand, except a lady's watch.
Be careless
in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
There is no
such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the
hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!
"Classic."
A book which people praise and don't read.
There are
people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their
happiness to the unhappy.
Man is the
Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
The
universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of
it.
Let us be
thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
When people
do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart
no man much respects himself.
Nature makes
the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite
for sand.
The spirit
of wrath -- not the words -- is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We
begin to swear before we can talk.
The man with
a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.
Let us be
grateful to Adam our benefactor. He cut us out of the "blessing" of
idleness and won for us the "curse" of labor.
Let us not
be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at
all.
The Autocrat
of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot
stop a sneeze.
There are
several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Names are
not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced
Jackson.
To succeed
in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will
do.
Prosperity
is the best protector of principle.
By trying we
can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Few of us
can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
There is an
old-time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill
of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
Each person
is born with one possession which outvalues all his others -- his last breath.
Hunger is
the handmaid of genius.
The old saw
says, "Let a sleeping dog lie." Right. Still, when there is much at
stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it.
It takes
your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one
to slander you and the other to get the news to you.
If the
desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would
escape hanging?
Simple rules
for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to
contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count
sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.
Grief can
take care of itself; but the get the full value of a joy you must have somebody
to divide it with.
He had had much
experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to
eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther
not."
The man who
is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
Let me make
the superstititions of a nation and I do not care who makes its laws or its
songs either.
Wrinkles
should merely indicate where smiles have been.
True
irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.
Do not
undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment;
but when relief begins, the inexpired remainder is worth four dollars a minute.
There are
eight hundred and sixty-nine different forms of lying, but only one of them has
been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy
neighbor.
There are
two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford
it, and when he can.
She was not
quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call
unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
Make it a
point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden
rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Don't part
with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased
to live.
Often, the
surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.
SATAN (impatiently) to NEW-COMER. The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you
think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most
numerous.
In the first
place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
There are no
people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.
The
principle difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine
lives.
When your
watch gets out of order you have a choice of two things to do: throw it in the
fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest.
In
statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.
Everyone is
a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
First catch
your Boer, then kick him.
None of us
can have as many virtues as the fountain pen, or half its cussedness, but we
can try.
The very ink
with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
There isn't
a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had
its rights.
I have traveled more than anyone
else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.
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